The Man Box is both an accepted concept and a controversial one. While it is the set of rules that have moulded men into being pillars of toughness and non-emotion for decades, it is today being challenged for its toxicity and the negative effects it has on the mental health of men themselves.
Quite simply, enforcing traditional masculinity is called living in the Man Box. Literally any sentence that begins with ‘Real men…’ happens to be one of the many rules that make up the tall walls of the Man Box. So simple notions like men need to bottle up sadness to appear strong; they are always confident and decisive; they must have interests that are categorically assumed to be male, such as sports, cars, video games, and so on; that their role in the family is that of a provider; all are little bricks on which the Man Box was built.
A Recipe for Loneliness
The Man Box has been internalised since time immemorial. It starts when a boy is little; he is told to ‘be strong like daddy’. He is taught to be resilient and stubborn. Never to cry. Never to express himself. Never to show compassion. This socialisation process has a grave impact on the psyche of the male child. Because, he is naturally equipped to feel things, to be sentimental and express himself – all things that are characterised as female qualities. So, when told he needs to suppress his natural capabilities in order to be a ‘real man’, sadly there is structured emotional self-mutilation taking place.
This results in boys growing up to be lonely men. Often doubting their manliness, simply because life’s stresses get to them, they retreat to corners, terrified of being viewed as not ‘man enough’. They also believe that it is never acceptable for men to talk about their feelings. They carry this throughout their lives, shying away from deep conversations, and never reaching out when they need help or just someone to talk to.
How can one beat the Man Box?
The benefits of stepping out of the Man Box are plenty! Men who do so go on to live full, intentional lives, wherein they are fully present. Every laugh, every cry, every moment is felt deep within. Every experience is lived, every conversation truly participated in. The breakdown of the Man Box means pure, unadulterated relief. No more putting oneself down for feeling and understanding and wanting to express.
While the steps below may seem simple to read, they require determination to systematically dismantle of internalised values. This is a process and not an overnight change one can make. Here’s how to beat the Man Box…
Practise Authenticity
Go back to the roots and understand that we were not created to be unfeeling. There is no truth to the saying, ‘Men are just wired that way’. So, it’s important to spend some time introspecting. When a happy event or unfortunate incident takes place, it’s necessary to make a conscious choice to practise authenticity, say and share exactly what you are feeling.
Channel Anger Constructively
Men have been given a free pass for bad temper for the longest time. This needs to stop. Anger is a normal emotion, but anger taking forms of violence or abuse is a choice. Anger needs to be channelled in a more constructive way; take some time to think, listen to music to calm yourself, understand the cause and consequences, then put a plan in motion to resolve the conflict. Some people even use art and writing as great tools to make sense of anger.
Show Up
On this path to beating the Man Box, you may find allies in women, but might still have male peers questioning your masculinity. It’s necessary to show up for yourself every day and reiterate why you wish to make a change.
Have Conversations with other Men
Maybe you’ll risk getting into an argument, but it’s worth it to start a conversation about the restrictions of the Man Box, if it just helps one person in your circle. When men talk to men about toxic masculinity, the conversation has a positive impact on everyone. Apart from the Man Box, it’s good to have deep conversations with other men about anything under the sun, just to share feelings and experiences that will let them know that it’s okay to talk and have real conversations.